


hand in unlovable hand

by angeryshrimps



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Childhood Trauma, Enemies to Lovers, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Kaz has some weird obsession with Matthias's neck, Kaz is a bastard, M/M, Matthias Helvar Lives, Matthias is a gay disaster, Multi, Sort of? - Freeform, and bad at feelings, and even worse at feelings, basically Matthias doesn't die, basically why he hates Grisha, but from Matthias's POV, some Matthias backstory, the Six of Crows duology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25680100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angeryshrimps/pseuds/angeryshrimps
Summary: Matthias discovers he's wrong about a few things: life in prison, the Grisha, and most of all, Kaz.
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Matthias Helvar, Mentioned Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, Minor Inej Ghafa/Nina Zenik
Comments: 14
Kudos: 69
Collections: Rare Pairs Exchange 2020





	hand in unlovable hand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [neosaiyanangel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neosaiyanangel/gifts).



> Title taken from No Children by The Mountain Goats
> 
> Thanks to amazonqueen for suggesting the title :)

One year, eleven weeks, and two days.

That was how long he’d been in Hellgate.

The only reason Matthias knew that was because he painstakingly noted it on the dreary, grey walls, marking each day with a tally. In prison, there was no sense of routine. Some days, they served three meals, some days, one, and some days, they served nothing. Matthias would spend weeks cooped up inside a cell before, inevitably, a guard dragged him to the fighting ring once more.

Another day, another fight, another tally.

Matthias trudged to his bed, laying himself down face first. He picked at the feathers seeping out of his poorly sewn pillow and, after briefly smothering himself with it, allowed himself to morosely contemplate what he’d done.

Killed wolves. Tantamount to murdering family.

He clenched his fist and braced it against his lips, pressing so hard his teeth hurt. Matthias pressed harder still and bid himself not to cry.

There was blood on his hands, his face, streaking through what was left of his blond hair, dripping in rivulets down the scraps he wore, coalescing in the creases, leaving damp patches and causing his clothes to stick together.

Matthias hated it. He could never get used to being soaked in blood. He despised the feeling of the moist liquid crusting on his skin and the pungent, rusty scent it brought.

He would’ve slept without a shirt, but the temperatures in Hellgate could drop well below zero at night. 

Matthias rolled over so he was facing the blank ceiling above and pulled the blankets over him. Then he closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

When his consciousness resurfaced, he saw Nina. His first thought was to pray to Djel that this wasn’t another one of those dreams, the ones where she told strange tales that made him laugh and it felt like they were friends again. Hadn’t he suffered enough for one day?

Though, he supposed, this was the price he was paying for being kind to a Grisha. For befriending one.

Nina sobbed, whispered his name and Matthias felt his rage build. In a fluid motion, he launched himself at her, grabbing her neck and pinning her hands to the ground with his knees.

“Traitor,” he hissed. She beat at his hands, grabbed his wrists and tried to remove them from where they were pressing into her windpipe. “Witch,” he said, tightening his hold. “I should kill you. Beg me to spare you.”

He heard the click of a gun behind his head and then a raspy voice, akin to the sound of stone on stone or shoes scraping the sidewalk, said, “Get off of her, Helvar.”

Matthias remained stationary, not looking back at the source of the threat. “Do it,” he challenged. “Shoot me.”

His hands dug deeper into Nina’s neck, just shy of piercing the delicate skin there. He’d been waiting for this day since Nina made a fool of him and betrayed the kindness he’d shown to her. Now, he’d set things right. Matthias would kill her to repent and show his regret to Djel.

He grinned a bit at the thought of finally taking his revenge on her.

Above him, a voice sighed wearily. “If you’ve actually gone insane, then this will be a lot harder than I thought.”

Matthias registered the sound of something slicing through the air. A hard, metallic spike hit the junction between his clavicle and the start of his arm, dislocating his shoulder with a swift pop. Matthias lost his grip on Nina as he keeled sideways, bracing himself with his good arm before his head hit the floor.

He turned his head and was met with the sight of a young boy in a guard’s uniform, as coarse as his black hair and as dark as his calculating gaze. He held a gun in one hand and a walking cane with a silvery crow-shaped handle in the other, its beak sharp and menacing. 

The boy couldn’t have been more than eighteen. He was half a head shorter than Matthias, his frame lean and bony like he’d missed too many meals, his skin so pallid he looked cadaverous, and to top it all off, the way he leaned on one leg strongly indicated he had a limp or some sort of handicap.

“Get up,” he ordered, in that strange, dry voice of his. “We’re breaking you out. You can come with us on your own two feet or I can break your legs if you prefer, and we’ll drag you out like a corpse.”

Matthias snorted derisively. “It’s impossible. No one gets out of Hellgate. Not alive, at least.”

“Lucky for you, I’m all about doing the impossible. Now, stand up.”

He clutched his broken shoulder, leaning as far back as he dared. “I’m not going with you. The guards will recognize me.”

“You didn’t think we thought of that?” he asked conversationally. “Obviously, you’ll be masked.”

“They do inspections. They’ll find me regardless of any mask you put on me.”

“They won’t have time to look for you.”

“And how do you know that?” Matthias snarled.

“Because,” the boy said, his lip curling, eyes glinting hypnotically in the dark. “I’ve planned a little diversion.” No sooner had he finished speaking than the screaming started.

“Well? What will it be, Helvar? Will you come with us or do you want more limbs broken?” He offered him his hand. His fingers were long and crooked, covered in fine leather.

Matthias stared at it, pensive. He didn’t know who they were, save for Nina, and had no idea whether they were kindred souls or villains, though he supposed, if Nina was with them, they could only be the latter.

Matthias took Kaz’s hand, flinching at the feeling of fraying leather.

“Good choice,” the boy praised. “It seems you still have some sense left.”

* * *

Matthias found out why they’d freed him much later, while he was tied to a chair in a seedy gambling parlour. The pale boy—Kaz—mentioned a drug called _jurda parem_ , a ridiculous plan to break into the Ice Court, and a thirty million _kruge_ reward. At the end of it all, it was revealed that they needed his help to pull off this stupid heist.

He didn’t even need to think about his answer. “No.”

Kaz sighed, a long and winding sound that echoed oddly. After listening to him talk for a while, Matthias realized there was something wrong with his throat. The raspy voice he had wasn’t the result of a cold; Kaz spoke through it like he’d been accustomed to doing so for years. He eyed the other’s throat for a sign of injury, a scar or a bruise, only to find nothing but an expanse of white, not unlike the Fjerdan snowfields.

“I know getting knocked out and waking up in a strange place isn’t the best way to start a partnership, but you didn’t give us many options, so try to keep an open mind.”

“You could have come to me on your knees, and I still wouldn’t help you.”

Kaz stepped closer, his shoes and sharp cane clicking against the wooden floorboards of the parlour. He loomed over Matthias, who struggled in his restraints. He’d liked it better when he could look down on the conniving bastard. 

Kaz lowered his cane, forcing the beak of the crow into the spot above his knee. He pressed down, hard, and Matthias gasped, acutely aware that Kaz could easily sever the lower half of his leg like he had his arm. “You’re not really in a position to be negotiating here. Do you understand that I could have you back in Hellgate in a matter of hours?”

“Send me back,” Matthias muttered, ignoring the dull ache of his leg. “I can’t wait to tell the warden about your stupid plans.”

The cane was lifted off his leg. Matthias exhaled shakily before the crow was pushing against his neck, its pointy beak circling his Adam’s apple so with every breath he took the metal cut closer to his windpipe. As Matthias tried to steady his breathing, Kaz traced the outline of his throat, all the way under his chin and then up to his mouth, where he tapped his lips, making the metal collide with Matthias’s teeth. “What makes you think you’ll be going back with a tongue?”

“Kaz!” Nina yelled, pulling him off. Matthias wheezed, able to breathe freely at last. “It’s no use. I told you he wouldn’t do it.”

“All men can be bribed, Nina,” Kaz said. “It’s simply a matter of figuring out what they want. Helvar, surely there’s something that you care for.”

“What I want is to protect my country and my people.”

Kaz smiled, his expression full of mockery. He appeared almost pitying, though Matthias doubted he could sympathize with another.

“We should find someone else,” Nina said. “Matthias is too loyal.”

As she spoke, the thought occurred to him, akin to pieces of a puzzle falling into place or minute sparks firing off inside his head. There was something he wanted after all. “Wait.”

Five pairs of eyes turned to him expectantly.

“I refuse to be a part of this operation, but I will provide you with a layout of the Ice Court. That should be enough to get you past the first checkpoint.”

Kaz folded his arms. “And I’m assuming you’ll want to be compensated for this valuable information?”

“I don’t want any money. I’ll give you the information for free.” Kaz raised an eyebrow, but Matthias continued, “If you let me kill Nina Zenik.”

The tall Zemeni gasped and stared at Kaz, apparently concerned he’d agree. Nina didn’t seem nearly as shocked. Rather she looked at the floor dejectedly, as though she’d expected this from him. Kaz, though, wasn’t surprised in the slightest. If anything, he was pleased, like a hunter who’d trapped his prey.

“I can give you something even better.”

“There’s nothing else I want,” Matthias said, frowning. He had no need for riches, comfort, or even freedom. He wanted to kill Nina so he could atone for the crimes against his country.

Kaz gazed at him with dark eyes, tracing the crow’s head idly. “I can make you a drüskelle again.”

Matthias stared at him for a moment, stunned. Then he tipped his head back and laughed, nearly toppling the chair in the process. “Who do you think you are? A magician? Some sort of sprite?”

“Nothing but a mere human.” He slipped a hand into his coat pocket. Kaz produced a piece of paper and held it in front of Matthias’s face. It was written in both Kerch and Fjerdan. As his eyes roved over the page, Matthias felt his heart quicken. 

If the document was authentic, then he would be released and cleared of all charges, able to return to Fjerda as a drüskelle.

“Well?” Kaz asked from above him and Matthias hated how smug he sounded. He hated himself even more for what he was about to do.

Kaz placed his cane under Matthias’s chin and lifted it. “What will it be, Helvar? Do you want to be a drüskelle again?”

Though he had half a mind to refuse the offer simply to spite Kaz, in the end, Matthias nodded mutely.

“See, Nina? What did I tell you? All men can be bribed.” Kaz folded up the paper and walked away.

“Your actions will catch up to you, Brekker,” Matthias called after him. “Someday.”

“That’s what will happen if there’s any justice in the world.” Kaz laughed. “And I think we both know just how much there is."

* * *

Matthias had heard all the stories about Kaz. He knew of the crimes Kaz had committed to earn the nickname of Dirtyhands. But it was after he witnessed Kaz carve out a man’s eye and tip him overboard that he realized just how utterly immoral the boy was.

Matthias found him on the ship, pacing around the room as Nina worked on Inej’s wounds. “Why did you kill that man?”

“I don’t know, Helvar,” Kaz said tersely. “Perhaps it was because he stabbed Inej.”

“You said you wouldn’t do anything to him if he told you the truth,” Matthias said, jabbing a finger at him. “And he did. But then you tipped him over anyways.”

“Yes, sometimes people lie.” Kaz regarded him curiously. “Did you not know this?”

“I know people lie, Brekker. I just don’t understand why you did. He told you what you wanted to know and you still killed him. How can you be so heartless?”

“It’s an acquired skill.”

“That’s not a skill, that’s a defect.”

“Sure it is. My ability to not care about people means I get things done more efficiently.”

Matthias stared at him. “You’re actually insane.”

“I hate to interrupt this wonderful conversation you two are having,” Nina snapped. “But can you be quiet so I can heal Inej?”

“Right, sorry,” said Kaz. “We’ll leave you and your girlfriend alone.”

“Girlfriend?” Matthias looked at Nina, then at Inej’s unconscious body on the bed. “You? And Inej?”

Wylan, who’d been sitting in the corner scribbling on a piece of parchment, made no sound as he raised his head and observed the conversation. Jesper, on the other hand, raised an eyebrow and asked, “Why are you so shocked?”

“He probably thinks I can’t get a date since I’m a witch and all,” Nina said, face scrunching up in concentration as she waved her hands over Inej’s chest. “Isn’t that right, Matthias?”

“Well, that’s part of it,” Matthias admitted.

Jesper frowned. “Is it because they’re both girls?”

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s some weird drüskelle thing where you’re supposed to wait until marriage,” Nina mused.

Matthias coughed. “It’s not some weird drüskelle thing, it’s a tradition that you devote yourself to one lover.” 

Jesper laughed. “That’s stupid.”

“It is,” Nina agreed. “We’d be banished from Fjerda if we were drüskelle.”

“Yes, a long time ago too.”

“Jesper, how many people have you flirted with on the streets?”

“Don’t ask me, I don’t keep count.”

Matthias glared at them. “That’s indecent. You’re both sinners.”

Kaz actually cracked a smile at his comment. “Helvar, if you’re appalled by the notion of two people dating before marriage … how do I put this … you’re not gonna have a fun time on this boat.”

“Yes, I noticed. I hated you all from the moment I met you.”

Kaz looked him square in the eye. “Well, that’s one thing we have in common.”

* * *

By the time they sailed to Fjerda, Matthia was 99% sure Kaz was a _demjin_. The last 1% was because the boy seemed to need to breathe and eat.

They trekked through the cold snow of the Fjerdan tundra with Matthias at the forefront, leading them through endless white sludge and occasionally giving advice on how to survive the harsh landscape. The terrain was bare, to say the least, white as far as the eye could see, clouds in the skies above, snow on the earth below, and nothing but the white smoke of his breath surrounding him.

They slowly made their way over numerous white hills, their boots crunching into the crystalline snow underfoot. It reminded him of his hometown, a sparsely populated village far to the north of Fjerda, so cold and snowy that the elders used to warn children if they stood outside for too long they could look down and see an icicle hanging off their nose. The sound of their feet sinking into the snow mimicked the cracking of evergreen branches that Matthias and his sister used to collect for fires.

He crossed the next hill, eager to separate from the group as much as possible, only to stop dead in his tracks. Matthias turned around, averting his eyes from the sight. “Stop! You don’t want to see this!”

He hadn’t warned them in time. Nina’s eyes widened and she clapped her hands over her mouth, causing her gasp to die in her throat. Inej raised her hands, tracing a warding sign in the air. Jesper gasped and Wylan gagged, looking anywhere but the burnt bodies.

On a small cliff, there was a pyre, and by the look of the blackened ashes, its flames had gone out a long time ago. Three stakes were driven into the snow, a shrivelled body tied to each one, their skin charred and cracking.

Then they heard it—a low moan, like a creaking wind, coming from the pyre.

“Saints,” Jesper said. “One of them is alive.”

The sound had come from the figure on the right, little more than a withered husk of ash and scorched flesh. Their hair had burnt away and their clothes had fused with blackened skin, some of it peeling away in places to reveal pale, pink flesh.

Jesper moved quickly. Two shots fired through the air and then the body fell limp.

“ _Ghezen_ ,” Wylan said. It was the first time Matthias had heard him swear. “What is this?”

“This is what Fjerdans do to Grisha,” Nina said.

“It’s what criminals do,” said Matthias, his insides churning. The smell of ash, the trails of smoke, and the sight of cracking skin made him nauseous. Matthias had only experienced this once before his life.

_He was sitting beside his sister, the two of them squeezed tightly into a cabinet. She pressed a finger to her lips and patted the top of his head reassuringly. Outside, slivers of smoke swirled through the snowy atmosphere. Their parents were nowhere to be seen and the house was empty._

_Then someone—a Grisha—stepped in the house, his eyes roving around the residence, searching for signs of life. Matthias was able to see him through the crack in the seams of the cabinet. He almost gasped but his sister clapped a hand over his mouth and shushed him._

_That was when the Grisha turned in their direction._

Matthias shook his head, trying to clear his mind of those poisonous thoughts. “The pyres have been illegal since—”

Nina whirled on him and shoved his chest so hard he nearly fell. “Don’t you dare,” she fumed, her fury erupting into a halo around her, loud and clear. “Tell me the last time someone was punished for burning a Grisha alive. You can’t. Because you think all Grisha are monsters who deserve to die at the pyre.”

Matthias flinched. He’d never told Nina of his childhood, not even when they were friends. He was painfully aware of the fact that she probably saw his current resistance as some sort of insensitivity, that he didn’t care or thought this was a fitting punishment for Grisha.

He didn’t. Not even a Grisha was deserving of such a death.

_After the Grisha found them, his sister emerged from the cabinetry first. In order to distract the guards, to give Matthias a chance at escape. He wasn’t fast enough. They caught both of them and the desperate tears flowing down his sister’s face as she realized her little brother would die alongside her were worse than his impending death._

_Smoke filled the room, heat enveloping them both._

_Matthias didn’t scream or kick. When he was young, he’d heard plenty of horror stories about Grisha, mostly designed to keep children from stirring up trouble. He’d heard them all—the Tidemakers who would drown those ventured too close to the icy waters, the Heartrenders who could snatch the air from your lungs, the Fabrikators who were capable of moving objects without touching them. But it was one thing to hear stories about an unnamed, faceless monster committing despicable crimes to a fictional character, and it was another thing entirely to watch said creature pull a flame out of his palm and hold it under his sister until she threw her head back and shrieked._

“Do you even call it murder when you put down dogs?” Nina snarled.

“Nina—” he gasped, trying to drown out his senses, regain some inkling of sanity. His mind swarmed with memories of his sister.

_Wisps of smoke danced in the air._

_Red flames flickered on his skin._

_Unbearable heat flooded the room. As his own nerves flared up with pain, causing him to shake and jerk in the Grisha’s grasp, Matthias fought to keep his eyes open and look at his sister._

_There was a certain peculiarity about burning bodies. They were nothing like how they were described. His sister’s skin didn’t drip to the floor like soft wax nor did it peel like burnt rubber. She cried out, but it was not with the urgency he’d expected, and after a while, she fell silent. However, the strangest detail was how slow these bodies burned. The skin didn’t char for a long time, feeding Matthias a perverse kind of hope, one that had him thinking his sister could be saved._

As Matthias switched between the past and present, he registered Nina saying, “Do you have a different name for killing when you wear a uniform to do it?”

_Jarl Brum and the drüskelle found him buried under a mound of wood and ash, parts of his skin charred, his throat heaving as he coughed up smoke. They pried him out of the wreckage. His arm was bent at an awkward angle, a result of the ceiling falling on top of him, and he was badly burnt, some of his hair singed off. When he looked down at his torso and legs, pieces of skin were blistering, falling apart to reveal the angry red flesh underneath._

_They took him to a hospital, nursed him back to health. They saved him. And for that, he’d be forever grateful._

_Then they told him about his sister._

Matthias clenched his fists, steeling himself. His breaths were ragged now. Beside him, Nina was still talking about Grisha and no doubt berating the drüskelle, but she sounded distant, her voice unclear and echoing, like she was talking underwater.

“Stop it,” said Kaz.

_The drüskelle weren’t able to recover her body. There was nothing but charred remains and some twisted rearrangement of a human crushed underneath the beams of their house._

_They held a funeral for her. Matthias didn’t attend._

_He was afraid that if he did, his mind would drudge up those horrible memories he’d locked away—the sight of the fire eating away at her flesh, the flames licking her hair and burning up to her face, the red, blistering welts that had formed on her arms and torso._

Suddenly, as Matthias looked at the three bodies burnt to death on the pyre, they wore his sister’s face, each one staring back at him in pain.

Then someone stepped in front of him, obscuring the burned bodies and Matthias could only see the black lapels of Kaz’s coat.

“Helvar, snap out of it,” Kaz snapped. “I want you to count to three. Can you do that?”

Dimly, he realized he’d been spoken to. “One,” Matthias said shakily. “Two. Three.”

“Good, now take some deep breaths. And don’t stop counting.”

“Four,” Matthias continued, exhaling deeply. “Five. Six.” He drew in a shaky breath. “Seven. Eight. Nine.” He let out a breath, looking down. “Ten.”

Kaz stepped closer and tapped the snow. “Sit down and make a snowball.”

Matthias obeyed, felt himself sitting down and reaching for the snow on the ground. The movements had been almost involuntary. He’d heard the instructions and listened to them, but his consciousness was still in a state of confusion. It was as though someone was controlling his body.

He grabbed a fistful and patted it together. The snow crunched satisfyingly beneath his fingertips. Matthias smoothed the surface of the snow, shaping it into a sphere. When he finished one snowball, he set it aside and moved onto the next one. After making four or so snowballs, Matthias no longer felt in danger of losing himself to the past.

He stood up, awkwardly brushing snow off of his clothes. The rest of the team had settled on a hill, sitting with their backs to the pyre. 

Kaz was standing over him, his gaze sweeping over the white fields. When he noticed Matthias standing, he said, “Alright, let’s keep going.”

The others stood up, avoiding the stakes. Especially Nina, who hung close to Inej, holding on tight to her arm as the other covered her eyes and guided her through the snow. Matthias could hardly blame her. Though the victims were Grisha, an uneasy feeling stirred in his chest and he found himself wishing to apologize to Nina.

“Helvar, hurry up,” Kaz called and Matthias scampered after him. 

He opened his mouth to thank him, but then Kaz said, “We need you to lead us. So get on with it. We need to make it to the Ice Court as soon as possible.”

Matthias’s jaw snapped shut. Of course, Kaz had helped him not because he cared but because he wanted the reward of thirty million _kruge_ and he needed Matthias for the operation.

As he led the group, Matthias found himself increasingly conflicted. On one hand, he was bitter that Kaz had only helped because he was crucial to the mission. On the other hand, he was thankful that Kaz had helped him at all. Maybe Kaz was less of a coldhearted bastard than he thought. Maybe.

* * *

It was in the middle of the Ice Court that Matthias discovered another horrifying revelation. Perhaps the Grisha weren’t the monsters he thought they were.

It happened while they were scouring the fortress for Yul-Bayur, looking through the prison cells and seeing several Grisha.

It wasn’t the tears, or the wounds, or even the experiments being conducted, as heartless as that sounded. It was seeing a child cower at the sight of him and run behind his mother, tugging at her clothes and burying his face into her waist. They were both malnourished, nothing but skin and bones, with heavy bags under their eyes. Their hair was unkempt and their faces dirty with muck.

It was seeing the utter despair in the child’s eyes. The look of someone who’d given up completely on life. It struck him that no one, especially such a young child should have an expression like that. Children were supposed to be happy and hopeful, free of worries as they frolicked in a garden somewhere. They were innocent and should be protected. They weren’t supposed to run away at the sight of someone and hide like their lives depended on it.

It was the way he looked at Matthias like he was something risen from hell. The fear was apparent as he gasped and all but dashed behind his mother, his hands trembling. 

The way the Grisha child acted around drüskelle reminded Matthias all too much of himself when he’d been attacked by Grisha.

And then he realized. Maybe they had family or friends killed by drüskelle and were seeking revenge. Maybe they had something in common with him.

The thought was unsettling.

The Grisha were powerful, they had magic, inaccessible and incomprehensible to ordinary people like him. They defied the very laws of nature.

But maybe, just maybe, they too were people who’d been hurt, who were simply trying to make the best out of a horrible situation.

Maybe Matthias was to the Grisha what the Grisha were to him.

And then, he could only stare at the cells.

Kaz, as usual, caught on to the remorseful expression in his eyes. “Feeling sorry for the human experiments?”

“Maybe,” Matthias grumbled, not wanting to admit that he was wrong to Kaz. “Just a little. Jarl Brum is not the man I thought he was.”

“You’re a bit slow on the uptake, aren’t you?” Kaz smiled, mocking. “They’ve been doing this for decades.”

“Yes.”

“And it doesn’t bother you that they lied to you? Tortured innocent people? What happened to your honour, Helvar?”

“It does bother me,” Matthias said, surprising even himself. He looked back at the boy in the cell, still clutching at his mom. “I don’t think it’s right.”

Even Kaz appeared taken aback by that. Then his features rearranged themselves back into something blank and unreadable. “You’re right. It is wrong and you were right to admit that.”

* * *

They were trapped on the insufferable boat for days, plenty of time for Matthias to reflect on his actions. He’d denounced his old faith, attacked his old mentor and foster father, and abandoned the drüskelle, many of them boys he’d grown up with.

It was strange, jarring. It hurt, like cutting off a limb with a deadly tumour. He’d lost an important part of himself, but if he hadn’t, the poison would’ve consumed him entirely.

Luckily, most of his personal worries were pushed aside as he focused on more pressing concerns, such as curing Nina’s addiction. They’d reconciled after the heist and settled into a rocky friendship. Matthias, along with Inej, was tasked with preventing her from taking more _jurda parem_. Though he was relieved of that duty after he walked in on Nina trying to convince Inej to sit on her lap as a distraction from the drug. 

“Give me a hug,” Nina implored. She wrapped her arms around Inej’s waist and tried to pull her into her lap. “I’m cold and tired and absolutely dying for some comfort.”

Inej pushed her arms away. “Eat the dinner I brought you and then go to sleep.”

“Everything hurts,” Nina moaned. “I know _jurda parem’s_ bad, but everything hurts so much, I need it.”

“No,” Inej said sternly. “You’re going to get through this, Nina. No matter how much it hurts.”

“It wouldn’t hurt as much if you hugged me.”

“Alright,” Inej huffed. “We’ll cuddle, but that’s it.”

“Can I have a kiss too? Pretty please?” Nina begged.

“Fine. One.” Inej cupped her face and pressed a quick peck to her lips. Nina took the opportunity to cradle the back of her head and fell back into the mound of pillows on the bed, with Inej on top of her.

Matthias went bright red and left quickly.

“I think Inej can handle Nina,” he told Kaz after. “I don’t think I’m needed.”

“Why’s that?”

“They were,” Matthias blushed harder, “doing things.”

“Ah, I see,” Kaz said. “I take it you walked in on them and want to avoid any repeats of that in the future?”

“Shouldn’t you,” Matthias flicked his wrist in a circular motion, “you know, do something about that?”

“Why would I? As long as they’re not disturbing the mission, they’re allowed to do whatever they want. Besides, they’re not the only couple here.”

Matthias’s eyes widened. “Who—who else?” he managed to stutter out.

“Jesper and Wylan.” Kaz paused. “Well, that’s not quite right. Jesper _thinks_ he kissed Wylan.”

“What do you mean he _thinks_ he kissed Wylan?”

“But judging from Wylan’s moods and rants, he kissed Kuwei by mistake.”

Matthias’s jaw dropped.

“What, still shocked by their degeneracy?”

“No, I think I'm used to it now.” Matthias coughed. “It was surprising, that’s all.”

“Well, that was fast. Usually, they take a bit longer to corrupt.” Upon seeing his offended expression, Kaz continued, “It was a joke, Helvar. I know you’re very honourable. Trust me, we all know.”

“Are you even capable of making jokes?” Matthias grumbled.

“I just made one. What are you, stupid?”

Matthias laughed sarcastically. “Very funny, Brekker.”

Kaz turned to watch the ocean. “That wasn’t a joke.”

* * *

Though they somehow succeeded in pulling off the crazy heist, the exchange with Jan Van Eck was nothing short of a disaster. The entire heist had been a setup, and not only did they not receive the proper payment, but they also lost Inej.

It was after that that Matthias realized Kaz really did care about the team’s wellbeing. Instead of doing the logical thing—selling Kuwei to the highest bidder—Kaz devised a plan to rescue Inej, which Matthias would’ve greatly appreciated if the other would let him take part.

“Let me go with you,” he begged. The whole situation was absurd. He’d never had to ask for a job before, it was usually assigned to him. “I’m the best person for this job.”

“No, no, you’re not,” Kaz said tiredly, rubbing at his temples. “Nina can raise the dead, Jesper can shoot a man’s brains out from a hundred feet away _and_ he can bend metal, and Wylan can fashion five different types of bombs. You’re the least useful person here.”

“I can fight,” he argued.

“Which is why I need you on backup in case something goes wrong.”

“What if I don’t get there in time? What if someone gets hurt?” Matthias couldn’t keep the concern out of his voice. “What if you die?”

“Let me worry about my own life, Helvar. You focus on your own.” Kaz turned on his heel, making a beeline for the door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Matthias bellowed as his anger boiled over. He followed him, seething, his steps harsh and heavy against the wooden floorboards.

“Out the door,” Kaz quipped. He reached for the door, grasping the silver handle and turning it halfway before Matthias slammed his full weight on the door.

“We’re not done talking,” he growled.

“Conversations end when one party leaves. You’re welcome to stay and talk to yourself if you want to,” Kaz said evenly. “Now, get off the door.”

“Let me go with you to rescue Inej.”

“Off, Helvar.”

“Not until you explain to me why you’re putting me on backup.”

Kaz glared, and if he were a smarter or more reasonable person, Matthias would’ve left him alone. But, as it happens, he was too upset to think logically.

“I don’t have anything to explain to you.”

Matthias grabbed Kaz’s collar, pulling him up and forward so they were facing each other. “Tell me why you won’t let me go with you to rescue Inej.”

Physically, Matthias could overpower Kaz easily, but Kaz didn’t fight fair. He was the type to have a knife hidden in his sleeve. Case in point; Kaz jabbed him in the side with his cane then kicked him in the shin, sending Matthias to the floor. As he toppled over, he grabbed Kaz’s coat and dragged the other down with him.

Matthias’s back crashed into the floor and Kaz landed on top of him, sitting on his waist. As soon as he recovered from the shock of slamming onto the floor back first, Matthias reached for him, but Kaz grabbed his wrists and shoved the cane under his chin, effectively pinning Matthias’s hands and head to the floor.

“Give me a reason,” Matthias rasped. The wooden cane pressed against his neck, quivering slightly with every breath he took.

“Get a hold of yourself, Helvar. Look at yourself, attacking me like a madman.”

“I’m not the one who’s pinning someone to the floor.”

“Don’t think that I want to do this. You forced my hand by being extremely unreasonable.”

“How?” Matthias demanded. “All I want is to be taken seriously. I can’t understand why you’re pushing me to the side and putting the rest of the team in danger! I want to help out too!”

“That’s how teams work. Different people do different things. You just need to do your part—”

“Give me one good reason why I should listen to you.”

“Shut it, Helvar.” Kaz pushed harder on the cane. Matthias squirmed, it was difficult to breathe now and Kaz’s weight on his hips was not helping at all. “I don’t need to explain everything to you. Just do as you’re told.”

“No! Let me go save Inej. What if something on the bridge goes wrong? I want to do something, not stay behind on backup!”

“You can’t!” Kaz bellowed. “I already lost Inej! I can’t let you go too!”

“And why not?” Matthias roared, kicking his feet.

“Because you’ll get hurt, you big oaf! Not everything is dependent on physical strength. I can’t lose you.” Kaz slumped. “I can’t.”

“You absolute idiot,” Matthias hissed. “Do you think you’re the only one who thinks that way?” Kaz’s hold on the cane loosened enough for Matthias to push it off and as he did, he reversed their positions, pinning Kaz to the floor. “I feel the same way! I don't want anyone to get hurt, least of all you! That’s why I need to go with you.”

Kaz kneed him in the stomach, causing Matthias to let go of his left hand. He shoved Kaz’s leg away and slipped down in the process so he was leaning over him. Kaz’s hand automatically reached for his neck. He grabbed Matthias and hissed, “Get off, Helvar.”

“Let me go with you! I want to be there to protect you.”

Kaz tightened his hold on Matthias’s neck, pressing under his jawline, gripping the sides of his neck hard. “Get the fuck off!”

“Not until you let me come with you!”

“Absolutely not!” Kaz roared. He wrestled his other hand free and shoved Matthias’s chest hard.

Matthias glared down at him, unflinching. “You’re still the same as ever, huh? You’re still just as selfish and controlling. Everything has to be your way. You don’t care at all what the rest of us think, do you?”

“Yes, because this is my team and my plan and if you don’t like it, then you can fucking leave,” Kaz spat. “Now, get off of me.”

Matthias sat back on his haunches. “We’re all just pawns to you, aren’t we? You don’t care about our feelings, we’re simply disposable objects.”

“I’m glad you’ve finally gained some sense, Helvar,” said Kaz. He seemed calmer now that they were no longer so close together. He pushed himself up and pulled his legs out from under Matthias. Kaz stood up, brushing his coat. “Go review the plan with Nina. It’s imperative that everything goes well tomorrow.”

“You know we’re people, right?”

“Of course, I do.” Kaz stood in the doorway and turned his head back. “If you were robots, I could simply give orders and trust they’d be followed. It’s because you’re people that I have to argue with and supervise you.” Then he left, leaving Matthias sitting on the floor, angry and alone.

* * *

The day he almost died, Matthias had been planning to talk to Kaz. He’d wanted to apologize for his outburst over Inej’s rescue. Then he was nearly shot, which put a damper on his plans. The only reason why Matthias wasn’t bleeding out onto the asphalt of Kerch was because Kaz had pushed him to the side and taken a bullet in the arm.

Kaz stayed in the hospital for three days, and Matthias wasn’t allowed to see him during that time. When the hospital let visitors in for the first time, he almost knocked the door down in his hurry to get there.

Matthias found Kaz’s bed and all but collapsed on him. Then Kaz winced and shoved him back, gesturing to his arm that was still in a cast.

“Sorry,” Matthias mumbled. He knelt on the cold, hard floor and rested his head on Kaz’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. Matthias hugged the other and let himself bask in his warmth. Usually, Kaz would’ve retreated or pushed him back, but this time, he simply set his hands on Matthias’s neck and stroked gently.

“Why did you do it?”

Kaz looked away, suddenly interested in the brick walls behind him. “I must have slipped.”

Matthias didn’t disagree. He let the lie hang in the air like a poisonous cloud of the sweetest scents. “Regardless, thank you.”

Kaz nodded in acknowledgement.

“Maybe …” The word forced its way out of his throat, foreign and incongruous. It felt as though he’d swallowed an ant and it was crawling back up his esophagus, its mandibles piercing his inner walls and its spindly legs jabbing at his throat, causing him to choke as it climbed out of his body. Matthias hesitated before saying, “I was wrong about you.”

“We’re never right about people, Matthias,” said Kaz, pressing harder into Matthias’s windpipe. 

Faintly, he realized that Kaz didn’t have his gloves on. And he was touching him, skin to skin for the first time. In the short months that they’d spent together, he’d never once seen Kaz take off his gloves. Nor did he touch others without some sort of barrier in between. Suddenly, this felt all too intimate, too special, like the bare hand on his neck had a hidden meaning behind it.

“Kaz,” Matthias said slowly, realization hitting him as he felt Kaz press into the side of his neck, just under his jaw. “Are you feeling my pulse?”

“Maybe,” Kaz admitted. He said it quietly, whispered it almost, like one would a secret.

“Why do you do that?”

Kaz didn’t say anything. Though he turned his head to peer out a nearby window, his hand remained fixed on Matthias’s neck.

“It’s okay,” Matthias said softly. “You don’t have to tell me. Right now, I just want you.”

Kaz smiled gratefully, tracing his fingers over Matthias’s pulse one by one, like a promise. It was a pleasant sensation, the soft brushes against his neck, as gentle as a kiss. Matthias rested his head against Kaz’s chest, listening to his heartbeat as Kaz stroked his fingers over his neck, searching for Matthias’s pulse.


End file.
